all begins with L

Today you had me lost for words. I could fall again.
Tomorrow I will see you, and it will be beautiful.

on why i’m at peace: this is a cut&paste so don’t be offended. )

“Alright, here we go.

Eight months on and I am declaring that my quarter life crisis is coming to a proper wrap. After series of interviews, taking aims and pursuing ‘proper’ jobs, I walked away from the last interview feeling utterly relieved knowing that I wouldnt be taking up the position despite putting on a good show.

After an hour of grilling the CEO looked at me and say that I am not one who value sales as much as marketing. I looked at him and went “absolutely.” We all know that a good product is a matter of being communicated, sales is a by-bonus end results. Chey-bah. )

After which I recommended him a good restaurant to have lunch in and he asked me to join him. But then I thought my time with him that day was already over stretched.

I am however meeting him again for possible collaboration. I’m beginning to embrace this mantra of working with people, not for people, even if you’re in a company. And that’s exactly what I’m gearing on with this coffee stint.

True enough, couple of weeks down the road, I saw the present in light. I start to work with what’s around me, my customers, my colleagues, the bosses and just working with the present value.

After seven months I’ve gradually make known to the managers of what I really want to do professionally and right now I’m co-interior designing the new coming cafe these guys are setting up. End of August I’ll be heading to Italy for the Biennale.

Coming back I’ll be starting an introductory course on Interior Design, not a masters nor a bachelor but a starting point. I’m beginning to love London for what it’s worth. Even today taking a new bus route home, I chance upon a road I’ve yet to stroll by.

It hasn’t been easy, I’ve made fools out of myself and still catching myself doing so at times, I’ve gotten quiet lately, perhaps having something to do makes you talk less, and if you talk less then you’ll really find something to do. The equation seems to work at present moment.”

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT CUT&PASTE, SO PAY ATTENTION. )

well, yes the ceo extended a dinner invitation next week. why not. and there’s a new distraction in town. when i get a name, i’ll let you know.

i found an interior design course from st martin which i’ll be signing up for when i get back from Italy. starts in October. Lola leaves London for good tomorrow, i’m quite sad about it actually.

i kinda fought with Sanran, I don’t know how to put it across to him that I can’t be friends with him anymore unless we completely put aside this intimacy.

on a more trivial note, i’m meeting ms. elizaveta tomorrow.

man?women?man?women? is never the question. )

you, i miss, as always.

“I’m getting closer to my home”

I grew up with this song in my dad’s car. Never thought I’d write this,

I miss you dad.

now what next
for the coming decade

ps. i miss the family

there’s a certain ritual to ushering in the new year, or rather if you’re a less futuristic person (with a history major) you would say instead, ‘to wrap up the year’. And they are almost accurately as follows:

a) reading old letters/blog post
b) scrolling through phone numbers
c) and delete those you’d probably not need to remember about (or pursue) in the new phase of your life
d) decide whether you really should delete their numbers
e) chart how old your virtual pets are, namely your blog, your flickr acccount, your twitter account, ourchart account, hotmail account??!
f) re reading certain post and stomach a guffaw, re re re reading another post
g) that brings a trip down memory lane that turns into another lane, then goes waaay into the back lane
h) and go “omg C, look what i found!!”
i) and go bloody hell! my blog is turning three!

the flings, the affairs, the trials, the pursuits, the fantasies that partially morphed into bitter sweet realities, here we we go again.

Einstein said there’re two ways to live

One is as though nothing is a miracle
The other is as though everything is a miracle.

i miss my mom. my dad. my sister. my sisters. my brothers.

On a more trivial affair, there are two men in the office, a) the youngish copywriter that could do a stunt bottom for Wentworth Miller, the lead guy in Prison Break, b) the oldish -i would used the word ‘experienced’- creative director who has had his blood pressure tested recently and made me hook up his tube to his medical gadget, but he is charming and at some point rather suave. I’ve always had the hots for older men, Sean Connery any day over brad pitt types, but James Gallagher will do the trick too.

(just when you think i’m switching sides)

Oh, new entry: a neve campbell look-a-like just joint the office a day after me and her first few words to me were “sen blablabla guzel” (means you blablabla beautiful) and so I replied “Bende” (you too). But apart from ‘*hava guzel and **yemek guzel” we can only look at each other.

I’m not taking sides or switching sides, for now as far as priorities are concerned, a room, a paying job and restaurants to check off. If something were to happen, it’ll be serendipitous. So there!

*hava = weather
**yemek = food

i just stepped out, into the balcony of the office
lit up and looked over at the sun setting over the bosphorus
and i thought to myself, this is the place i never dreamt of

the cracks of old dilapidated buildings, the satellite dishes that dangle of them, could very well murder someone in the next minute, the bridges that lead to home

the imperfection that i could live with
this is the place i have never dreamt of, but it is a dream that i am living in
like a two month old baby, this is where or rather how i am starting,
everything on a fresh new page

and it starts with learning how to speak… literally.

IN ISTANBUL!

it has been half a year of utter randomness
it began with a planned program
immersing myself in a new culture
where a cup of coffee tells it all

turkey

then midway to a pilgrimage equivalent
to satisfy the palate

spain awaits

i find myself in transit
in a flash in a train in an hour
if the city is a song, it’ll be an indie song

zurich

unexpectedly i found myself teleported back home
surrounded by the familiar, the old, the permanent
the ones i have missed and yearned to see

singapore

one month later i find myself in another city
a dream much thought about, a decade’s worth of believing
and now that i am here, the wonderland has shrunk into an ornament
like that perfect little snowball souvenir one would find in the harrods shopping mall

london

in cold ash thatcham
i wake up everyday at six and go to bed at ten
yoga every tuesday and other random things at hand
today i went mountain biking
spotting white horses along the hillsides

and i think to myself, what a random random world

two and a half weeks left before reality confronts
a home, a job, a room to hunt

Booking reference:
EDP6N6N
17 aug five am

i have chosen istanbul
to put an end
to this utter randomness of mine

i want to let you know but at the same time i’m holding back
like how it was so perfect that you don’t want to revisit it
afraid that it might taint the memory

but i’m going back, not to pick up from where i left
i’m going back, knowing that home is where the heart is.

yesterday i went to view a couple of apartments and stumbled upon a shoebox with decent enough a rent. laid back housemates, a red comfy couch in a cosy living room and a backyard for weekend bbq. and they have a cat in the house!

but i went back ‘home’ feeling unsettled.

london was my dream 10 years ago and it still is. and now that i am here there lies a tiny but gaping hole in the heart. or rather it has been filled up halfway with that recent love affair, which most of you have come to hear me rambling on and on about.

so i have made up my mind to move back to istanbul, to put an end to the ‘what if’(s).

london is that perfect man i have dreamt about, istanbul seems to be that imperfection that i would rather live with.

for now.

i change my mind like a five year old in a candy store.

Days have been filled with a myriad of activities ranging from tennis to rounders to yoga to football to ushering hundreds of kids into a shopping mall. We managed to slot in Kungfu Panda into the itinerary.

As the appointed dj for a pg-rated ‘disco night’, i had to make a list of songs i should “spin” for age 12 and below. Somewhere in between macarena and mamma mia, a few ten year olds came up to me and asked if i have benny bennasi and cascada (!!!). TEN YEAR OLDS! Then i’m reminded - oh i’m in europe. It’s all about the HTT baby.

*housetrancetechno

There has been much drama in a week’s worth. Russian boys bashing up the turks. turkish girls spreading rumours about the russian taking drugs. Two girls saw someone sniffing what looks like a tissue paper from afar and said “i saw them taking cocaine”. I had to stomach the hilarity of it all and pretended to be the concern house leader..that’s not how you do cocaine darling, believe me. Three little princesses decided to blow up the matter (because it’s fun having something to cry about) and have the turkish embassy in europe to jump onboard. The director of russian airline called from his motherland (who happens to be some kid’s dad) asking why was the bus to an excursion was delayed.

UK’s economy receives a boost during this time of the year because these kid spends 200pounds on average on chocolates, pencils and erasers in summer camps (each week).

“Erm, can I get my credit card. No another one also. Also when I have my 250 pounds?”

And today, I have to refresh my pretentious knowledge on yoga.
I’m holding classes on Monday evenings, from today onwards!

Oh and ehm I really really hate English weather.

Thank you, you, you, you and you and you and you… and you .. and you for sending me off. It was a lil chaotic and brief, but heartfelt. Seriously, it would not have been possible without all of you (at the airport or not)

By that I mean, all of you.

zurich

next flight is in 8 hours

in exactly 10 hours time I’ll be in london

a backpack and an electric blue carrier

to kickstart the next phase of life

am i excited?

“… surreal but nice” hugh grant, notting hill.

after forty four years, holy shit.

yay to spain!

“You make me happy, double.” - you

“I love you but I love me more. I’ve been in this relationship for fourty-nine years darling.” - SATC

“…when he colors, he barely stays within the lines.” - SATC

“I just love coloring.” (laughs) - SATC

“I’m such a lucky blessed fuck.” - you know who you are

in random mornings
in random thoughts
little dreams do come true

like you
in my inbox

and how i love the improper structure
of little grammatical error

a friend said
it’s endearing isn’t it

indeed
indeed.