all begins with L

Today you had me lost for words. I could fall again.
Tomorrow I will see you, and it will be beautiful.

on why i’m at peace: this is a cut&paste so don’t be offended. )

“Alright, here we go.

Eight months on and I am declaring that my quarter life crisis is coming to a proper wrap. After series of interviews, taking aims and pursuing ‘proper’ jobs, I walked away from the last interview feeling utterly relieved knowing that I wouldnt be taking up the position despite putting on a good show.

After an hour of grilling the CEO looked at me and say that I am not one who value sales as much as marketing. I looked at him and went “absolutely.” We all know that a good product is a matter of being communicated, sales is a by-bonus end results. Chey-bah. )

After which I recommended him a good restaurant to have lunch in and he asked me to join him. But then I thought my time with him that day was already over stretched.

I am however meeting him again for possible collaboration. I’m beginning to embrace this mantra of working with people, not for people, even if you’re in a company. And that’s exactly what I’m gearing on with this coffee stint.

True enough, couple of weeks down the road, I saw the present in light. I start to work with what’s around me, my customers, my colleagues, the bosses and just working with the present value.

After seven months I’ve gradually make known to the managers of what I really want to do professionally and right now I’m co-interior designing the new coming cafe these guys are setting up. End of August I’ll be heading to Italy for the Biennale.

Coming back I’ll be starting an introductory course on Interior Design, not a masters nor a bachelor but a starting point. I’m beginning to love London for what it’s worth. Even today taking a new bus route home, I chance upon a road I’ve yet to stroll by.

It hasn’t been easy, I’ve made fools out of myself and still catching myself doing so at times, I’ve gotten quiet lately, perhaps having something to do makes you talk less, and if you talk less then you’ll really find something to do. The equation seems to work at present moment.”

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT CUT&PASTE, SO PAY ATTENTION. )

well, yes the ceo extended a dinner invitation next week. why not. and there’s a new distraction in town. when i get a name, i’ll let you know.

i found an interior design course from st martin which i’ll be signing up for when i get back from Italy. starts in October. Lola leaves London for good tomorrow, i’m quite sad about it actually.

i kinda fought with Sanran, I don’t know how to put it across to him that I can’t be friends with him anymore unless we completely put aside this intimacy.

on a more trivial note, i’m meeting ms. elizaveta tomorrow.

man?women?man?women? is never the question. )

you, i miss, as always.

now what next
for the coming decade

ps. i miss the family

in three days time
it’ll be my second monthlyvesary in london
i’m still househunting and housemate hunting
this city is filled with extremes
creativity, passion, brilliance
living harmoniously with
arrogance, delusion, hedonism

the product, the result
an economy that permeates dreamers with prevailing dreams
regardless

today i went to view a house
in the east, shoreditch to be specific
famous for its streets littered with starving artist
musicians, writers, peeking into white finished gallery windows

he said, i’ve just gotten out of a twelve year depression
when i renounced the idea of being a film maker
i lost this (he pointed) part of my brain
then four years ago, i decided i want to be an artist
i felt reborn, flagging his arms up into the air
voosh, he said

i am obliged to give him that thirty minutes of my attention
after all he poured me a cup of tea,
with a slice of apple pie which he proudly claimed to have acquired daily
for free

stupid, he said, people throw these away

my thirty minutes was up
i gave him my best wishes
not verbally

it scares the shit out of me

not him,
not the pass expired apple pie,
not the neighborhood

everyone wants a piece of the snowman.

there’s a certain ritual to ushering in the new year, or rather if you’re a less futuristic person (with a history major) you would say instead, ‘to wrap up the year’. And they are almost accurately as follows:

a) reading old letters/blog post
b) scrolling through phone numbers
c) and delete those you’d probably not need to remember about (or pursue) in the new phase of your life
d) decide whether you really should delete their numbers
e) chart how old your virtual pets are, namely your blog, your flickr acccount, your twitter account, ourchart account, hotmail account??!
f) re reading certain post and stomach a guffaw, re re re reading another post
g) that brings a trip down memory lane that turns into another lane, then goes waaay into the back lane
h) and go “omg C, look what i found!!”
i) and go bloody hell! my blog is turning three!

the flings, the affairs, the trials, the pursuits, the fantasies that partially morphed into bitter sweet realities, here we we go again.

fluttr could be a domain name for (oh no not) another online social network, because that’s exactly what (/i haveinthestomach) i’m feeling right now before a first meet - offline.

;)

i finally made the virgin pilgrim to istanbul’s famous club of xx chromosomes, quite a paradox to sexual fluidity so perhaps i should say ‘xx-xy-yy-yx’. i hardly frequent gay clubs for one it’s too punk a scene, often filled with seventeen year olds seemingly eye-lined with thick tip marker pen or forty seven year olds (who drag with mustaches) donning harley davidson leather jackets - theme party stuck in seventies.

but the scene is changing (and i heard the same for back in the motherland), where power suits and studded heels are slowly but surely gracing the affair. so we waited, one hour pass, then two hours, then two and a half when a group of alpha types sashayed into the club, bringing new york (or san frans) to istanbul.

a friend said “i want to live in the l word” - the one show that has single handedly distort my perception of beauty.

i’m not a snob, just a femme fan.

I was all psyched up to take a vacation to the east with a friend but today i woke up a little wiser (and feeling like shit) - it would cost me my one month’s rent.

Homeless or Holiday.

To comfort the self, I am already “on vacation”.
So next week’s Bayram (9 days) holiday will be spent exploring nooks and crannies of the city with me, myself and I.

*Bayram is Idil Fitri aka Muslim festive season

On a more trivial affair, there are two men in the office, a) the youngish copywriter that could do a stunt bottom for Wentworth Miller, the lead guy in Prison Break, b) the oldish -i would used the word ‘experienced’- creative director who has had his blood pressure tested recently and made me hook up his tube to his medical gadget, but he is charming and at some point rather suave. I’ve always had the hots for older men, Sean Connery any day over brad pitt types, but James Gallagher will do the trick too.

(just when you think i’m switching sides)

Oh, new entry: a neve campbell look-a-like just joint the office a day after me and her first few words to me were “sen blablabla guzel” (means you blablabla beautiful) and so I replied “Bende” (you too). But apart from ‘*hava guzel and **yemek guzel” we can only look at each other.

I’m not taking sides or switching sides, for now as far as priorities are concerned, a room, a paying job and restaurants to check off. If something were to happen, it’ll be serendipitous. So there!

*hava = weather
**yemek = food

it has been half a year of utter randomness
it began with a planned program
immersing myself in a new culture
where a cup of coffee tells it all

turkey

then midway to a pilgrimage equivalent
to satisfy the palate

spain awaits

i find myself in transit
in a flash in a train in an hour
if the city is a song, it’ll be an indie song

zurich

unexpectedly i found myself teleported back home
surrounded by the familiar, the old, the permanent
the ones i have missed and yearned to see

singapore

one month later i find myself in another city
a dream much thought about, a decade’s worth of believing
and now that i am here, the wonderland has shrunk into an ornament
like that perfect little snowball souvenir one would find in the harrods shopping mall

london

in cold ash thatcham
i wake up everyday at six and go to bed at ten
yoga every tuesday and other random things at hand
today i went mountain biking
spotting white horses along the hillsides

and i think to myself, what a random random world

two and a half weeks left before reality confronts
a home, a job, a room to hunt

Booking reference:
EDP6N6N
17 aug five am

i have chosen istanbul
to put an end
to this utter randomness of mine

Istanbul is a drug. We shoot it in our veins from dusk to dawn, and have bread to soak it up in the day.
Alexander Hacke began his narration “it is a land of contrast…”

It is to me an oxymoron in every sense of an experience. Where east meets west, where nationalism hinges on the quest to modernization, where the call for prayers is blasted five times a day in every nook of the city, along side catchy rhythm of electronic fusion turkish folklore.

It is a muslim country where alcohol holds a special understanding between the glass shot and God.
Sneakers are don with Gucci shades and rainboots are good all year round.
Every cafe is a breakfast saloon, at any given time of the day.

I greet the sunset, live through sunrise and repeat step one all over again.
Four months, seemingly unreal, but I loved every minute of it.

Sherefe.

1. the universe and its galaxies are expanding indefinitely
2. the sun will explode in 5 billion years time
3. the black hole is not really a hole
4. we are all made of stardust
5. i have officially graduated

given the choice i’d want to stay in school (and have summer holidays) for as long as. but for now, it’s a cause for a celebration.

Marmaris, South of Turkey.

Mom called me two minutes before this shot, “You’re enjoying life aren’t you.”

Evet.

now i have a secret at the back of my skull
now that i am the secret at the back your skull
now your secret is out of your skull
now my secret is non of your skull

as we find ourselves.

She said that my wish will come true. I wish.

… these newly acquired rainboots are the only sad bit about leaving winter behind.

I dream in colors

The white of snow, the blue of deep sea, the sephia of dessert, the greenest of trees

The black reserved when I am asleep

I put on my favorite white pants and it was tight. I don’t even remember it being fitting. So here’s the story…

The weather took an unexpected 180 deg turn and it is a blizzard up here. The first morning it snowed, I received a couple of messages from ecstatic Singaporeans (me included) saying “Look out the window!”

The next day though, it was back to bright sunny days. So Ali and I decided to drive around the city and feast away!

Kumpir - oven baked potato filled with melted cheese and twenty different kinds of salads and sauces to short list from.

…and I had my first crossed over to the Anatolian (i.e. the Asian minor) side of Istanbul!

Over the next few days, I decided to get a mental map of what the city is like and there is no better way to explore it than by foot. Some of the best discoveries include devouring fish sandwich served fresh with bones in it. Those fish were grilled on board a tongkang equivalent of a boat by the river with waves hitting hard but the these men in uniform know how to keep their balance and make sure the crowd is well served.

It’s 3 lira!

The snow got serious over the next few days, thus mobility is limited from campus dorm to campus canteen. I didn’t manage to go for the big couchsurf party but did manage to spend prepre valentine with a small cosy bunch of global nomads. All in all I’m a happy camper still!